Everyone has a dark passenger.

Terrible day.

Need to patch shit up with her soon.  Fuck.

I love her, I just don’t know how many times I can handle this type of shit.

So many days my mood goes from bad to worse because of her complete lack of empathy or good judgement.

Fuck.

That awkward moment when you kinda gave one of your friends permission to have sex with your girlfriend.

We’ve been really good lately.

But I just feel like shit.  Like completely like shit.

Unappreciated.

Worthless.

Shit.

My back. Ow.

I look like Kunta Kinte.

I don’t know what the fuck is going on in my life.

I’ve been getting random bouts of extreme depression. I’ve been feeling anxious during social situations, and I feel like I’m losing my friends. I’m with my family in Orlando and I just really don’t want to be here. I want to be with my girlfriend. I need her. I feel like shit, I’m not enjoying myself at all, and I just miss her so much already.
Fuck all of this. I just want to see my psychologist. But I have to cancel for Friday because I’ll be on my way back. Fuck. And my mom thinks I should stop seeing him as often. Not now. I just can’t. Not when I feel like I’m losing everything.

I’m really stressed out with finals.

Glad that in less than 48 hours I shall be back home with my family, friends, and my beautiful girlfriend.  

I miss her so much, and it’s been less than 2 days since I’ve last seen her.  I don’t know if that says more about how clingy I might be, or just how much I love her.  I seriously cannot wait.

We’ve been doing quite well recently, and she’s getting much better in regards to self harm.  She hasn’t cut in about 4 months.  No other types of relapses for over a month or two now.  So that definitely makes me happy.

She also just made my day.  She says she wants to try to transfer to my University once she “gets her life together,” whatever that may mean.  Deadline for application is March 1, and I definitely want to help her do the application during break.  It’s her dream school and she’s been wanting to come here for a while.  And having her on campus with me would seriously complete my life.  Like for real.

So yeah.  I guess life sucks at the moment.  But only due to finals.  I’ll be perfectly fine and dandy in about 24 hours.  3 finals to go, so back to studying.

Also, (since you’re probably the only one who reads these) J., I miss you.  We definitely need to hang out more than just once or twice over break.  Text meh :D

I guess everything is well.

My girlfriend and I are doing very well recently, I’m getting good grades, meeting new people, making a few new friends here and there, and I’m keeping in touch with all my old ones.  School has been really tough, but I’m studying my ass off and it’s paying off.

I’ve been going to my psychologist weekly now and it’s definitely helping me.  I guess he helps put shit in perspective.  Great guy, easy to talk to.  My brother is doing a lot better as well, which is great news.  That whole incident with him in the hospital kinda made the whole family situation very stressful.  Not really good for anyone.  But that’s better now.

A while ago I scheduled an appointment with my psychologist for next Monday where my girlfriend and I will go in for somewhat of a couple’s therapy kind of thing.  We’ve stopped arguing and our relationship is back to being as awesome as it used to be, but I guess it couldn’t hurt.  And it’s already scheduled so I don’t want to go through the pain of calling in and cancelling.

Yeah, balancing school with everything else is getting really difficult.  But overall, I guess I’m somewhat happy.

Every once in a while that cunt I used to be infatuated with will try to talk to me or try to hang out.

And every time my reaction is the same.  I laugh.  She’s a dumb bitch and she only wants me now because she can’t have me.  I found a girl a thousand times better than I ever thought she was.  She admitted that she regrets rejecting me and treating me like shit all that time.  This all happened when she was “drunk” (half a drink in) during the summer, and I still laugh about it today.

My friends always told me that I was too good for her, that I was a nice guy and she was a dumb cunt.  They also said that I’d look back at all of it and laugh.  Well, I am.  My friends were right.  I did win.  And it feels fucking great.

I honestly don’t know where I stand with my girlfriend.

We’ve been having a lot of great days with each other.  But I’m still having doubts about this whole thing.  I love her.  A lot.  But at times I suffer way too much because of her.  She cuts, burns herself, used to pop pills, and I recently discovered that she has purged after eating in the past.  She claims it’s not bulimia but it seemed to fit the exact symptoms.  Eat a lot of food.  Purge.  So this makes me very sad.  I feel like I’m fighting a losing battle when it comes to helping her.  She’s been getting triggered a lot recently.  Admitted that she decided to relapse then pulled through.  She said that she tries her best to not think about me before she does it because it “hurts too much”.  She doesn’t understand what it’s like on my side.

I have told her that if it gets much worse I won’t be able to handle it and I’ll have to leave.  A guy can only take so much pain in the name of love.  It’s exhausting.

I just don’t know when that is, if ever.  I don’t want that time to come because I love her and would like nothing more than to spend the rest of my life with her, but I get this feeling that it’s somewhat inevitable.

I don’t know what to do.

Have been spending a lot of time with girlfriend.

We don’t really do much, but it still makes me happy.  Even if it’s just to watch a random movie then pass out while cuddling, I still enjoy myself.

I have doubts every once in a while, but deep down I know she’s all I want in life.  She makes me truly happy.  And she doesn’t even have to try.

Anonymous asked: how does it limit you?

Like I can’t go party and do shit like that because I always hang out with her.  Honestly, I don’t really mind much.  I’m the clingier one in the relationship and I choose to prioritize her over getting drunk with friends.  It’s mostly just the fear I have that she might relapse.  I get that at inconvenient times.

I always found it strange how I ended up with her.

She used to be a lot of things that I never liked, but she changed.  She used to party a lot and drink a lot, things that I never liked in women, but she doesn’t anymore.  She used to smoke pot occasionally, but she stopped when she realized that it made me extremely uncomfortable.  She is trying her best to quit cutting and burning.  Which is good.

She’s given up a lot of things for me.  And I’ve given nothing up for her.  She’s never asked me to, but I would give up anything on request.

Fuck.  I’m just confused.  I don’t even know what I want in life anymore.  I want her.  But at the same time being with her is painful a lot of the time and I feel it limits me in many regards.  But I love her.  Fuck.

Turns out that the day she smoked she also burned herself, which is what I was initially afraid of.

That weekend I ended up taking her cigarettes and throwing them out.  She agreed with me that it would be a step in the right direction.  She’s been getting triggered a lot lately and her depression has ramped up even though Wellbutrin was working before.  It’s not as bad as it used to be, though.

I’ve been feeling like shit a lot recently.  Not sure why.

So she got triggered for the first time in a month today. Smoked 3 cigarettes.

She needed an “alternative,” she said.  I know what this means.  This is how it starts.  Soon she’s going to relapse, and our relationship will go back to April.  I don’t know what to do.  I love her, but I’m honestly considering ending this if it gets worse.  It’s affecting my mental health and my happiness.  I’ve been feeling like shit all day long.  It’s horrible.  And the worst part is that she doesn’t want help.  She doesn’t actually want to get better.  It kills me inside.